Mistake?

Have you ever thought that maybe you made a HUGE MISTAKE in your life and wasn't sure what exactly to do about it?  Well, I think I am here now.  I don't regret much of NOTHING that I have done in my life but I think I may have really messed up now :(  I took a HUGE risk by moving my Family across the US, away from anyone we know and any assistance we might be able to recieve because I thought I found "THE JOB" that I could turn into a career.  I really felt that God was telling me that I was meant to come to New York for this job!  Maybe I misintrupted the signs?  I don't know!

I knew that this was a contract position and that the contract would be up on 29 November but for some reason I had faith!  I really did believe that there was NO WAY this program would go away.  It's such an important program, blah blah blah.  Well again, when I'm wrong I can admit that I am wrong and here I am saying it.  I think I was wrong :(

It is a VERY IMPORTANT program to the installations who have a full going program.  Here we don't!  After talking with some "important" folks yesterday, they don't believe in the future of it either or they believe that there will be a "gap" in there.  Thus, the contract will run out and then they'll either bring back contractors for it or change it to GS.  So either way you look at it, I'll be out of a job :(  I know no "OFFICIAL" word has come out on this still but this is not only My feeling anymore, others are sharing it as well.

Speaking of GS, I am DONE.  I am ready to just throw my hands in the air and quit with that!  I have been trying for over THREE YEARS to get into the GS system and it just keeps getting worse and worse for me!  Damn it, I am a good person, I work HARD and I am DAMN GOOD at whatever it is I put my mind to but I can not get a job to save my life :(  With having No Preference really is what hurts me :(  Now, I am informed that the CPAC office here cannot post external postings and that they are sent to an office in Maryland.  Okay, no big deal right?  WRONG, this office in Maryland is behind by approx. 6 weeks in making external postings :(  So the jobs that I could possible get because I am MORE THAN qualified for will not have an exteral posting before the closing date :(  This whole system SUCKS, thats for sure and I am sick of it!

Okay, so I've been now applying for jobs with my contract company, which I LOVE by the way, but again, it's contract and you never know when it might go away!  Plus, I've been applying for "normal" civilian employment but nothing yet.  I did get a call from AFLAC but as I researched it more I would have to pay to get a licence and so forth, yeah NO, if I have to PAY to get a job, something is wrong there!

So here I sit, not knowing what else to do at this point.  I know I really need to just leave it in God's hands and he will provide for me but when I don't know exactly how I am going to be able to pay rent and bills, I get a little worried!

Church Shopping

I'm sure my Military family will understand this since there is so much moving around.  Okay, so each time we move we have to find a new church.  I'm sure some people just make do with what is on the installation or what is closest to their house but honeslty, that just isn't me!  I need to FEEL the church I'm going to.  It took me long time to come back to the church and now I really want to be somewhere that I feel welcomed!  When we were at the church in KS I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I had such GREAT friends there!  We tried in Hawaii and just didn't "feel" it at first.  After awhile we tried again and something clicked!  Hawaii was FABLOUS!  We had Great priests, a wonderful choir and music and it really felt good to be there!  When I started to teach I was welcomed by everyone and it was really awesome! Well, now we are again at the point of having to find a good "home" again and I feel that I still haven't found it.  Shane really wanted to stay away from the military churches so we tried many other places but nothing was a good fit.  We finally come on post for mass two weeks ago and it was good.  The priest seems pretty down to earth and likes to joke about Army football (which if you have ever been to West Point ya know that is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing here!!).  One of the biggest problems are the pews.  They are VERY Small and Shane doesn't sit well in them (his knees have to be bent up into his chest it's so small) so we sat where he could move better but I didn't like the area!  I know, it's all a compromise! LOL  The other part is the CCD Classes!  I really want Paxton to be in class but I called and they haven't called us back :(  Also, they CHARGE MONEY for it here????  I just think that is CRAZY that I have to pay for my child to go to CCD. 
I just hope we find a place to be comfortable soon because I really miss having a good place that I feel like I belong.

Fall in the Northeast

Well even though I think Fall doesn't actually start for another couple of days, it is FALL in the Northeast!!  Temps have been in the 60s and I'm chilly! LOL  I do have to admit though that I am enjoying being able to throw on a hoodie!  I love my hoodies!  I can't say that I missed the seasons really when we were in Hawaii but again, I can say that it is really cool seeing the leaves change colors!  It's REALLY PRETTY here!!  I'll have to go out in the next week and take some pictures.  Another reason why I say Fall is here is because we went Apple picking yesterday!  It was really neat!  I don't remember ever going apple picking, pumpkins and strawberries yes but not apples!  We got 1/2 a bushel for $20 and OMG that is A LOT of apples!  So far I have made two apple crisps (one for me and one for work) and an apple cake!  The apple cake is from my BIL and OMG I LOVE it!  I'm not a big apple eating person (don't drink apple juice, don't eat plain apples or apple sause) but this apple cake is Awesome and of course so is my Apple Crisp! LOL  I do think I'll make some applesause for Paxton though since when I was making all her baby food that was her favorite!
I think for another part of fall we will go to Sleepy Hallow and hear the stories of the Headless Horseman and pick pumpkins!
Even though I am enjoying fall I am NOT wanting it to get any colder and have that horrible snow thing! LOL

Staying Positive

It's getting harder and harder to stay positive!  I really do try and keep myself positive and have a good outlook on life and what is thrown at me but when you are always being kicked over and over you are finally going to fall down and I think I am starting to tip over!

I still don't know anything about my job but they haven't started to rebid the contract and we are being told that no more extensions are supposed to happen so to me that sounds as if come Nov. I won't have a job any longer :( 

So now I'm focused on trying to find another job and have been putting in my resume on CPOL but it really "hurts" when I can't even get my resume picked up for a freaking GS5 Secretary Job :(  I KNOW I could do that job very easy and I am over qualified for it so what is the deal??  Why can't I even get my resume picked up!  I have rewrote my resume NUMEROUS times, per NUMEROUS Employment Specialist from different ACS's and still nothing!

Finally MY DREAM job is open, AFTB/AFAP Program Manager, I have wanted this job for YEARS now but go figure, it's not here where we are in a lease and my daughter is in school!  It's in MA which isn't that far but I am willing to live apart from my family again?  Okay, so I shouldn't even ask that because for that job I am! LOL  BUT, I have to get my resume picked up for it first and I'm not feeling so positive about it!

Six years ago when I was introduced to ACS I knew that is where I was meant to be.  I feel that I am supposed to help other military families but I guess others just don't "feel" that way about me and that is why I can't seem to get a job :(  It's just so crazy that SO many people I know (friends and those I have just met) will tell you close to the same thing about me, about how outgoing and caring I am, about how I want to make a difference in the military communities, etc, so are all these people liars or what is it about me that I can't get a job?

I know I need to just let it go and let God take me where he may but I am a control freak, everyone knows this! LOL  Okay, enough of me being Negative Nelly today and I need to get out of my FUNK!

The end of our Active Duty Army Career

It started (and has ended) with tears, in late October early November 2003 as Shane informed me that we were joining the Army.  He was in Iowa at the MEPS center and he signed his name on the dotted line.  I was excited, happy, sad, scared, you name it! (I cried A LOT but later found out I was pregnant at the time) I didn't know what it meant to be "in" the Army, but I was about to find out!

Shane left for AIT in March 2004 when I was 25 weeks pregnant.  We were very lucky he was able to come home for Paxton's birth!  Then he left again to South Carolina and we were finally put on orders to Fort Riley! YAY!  It was only 2 hours away from the only "home" I had known.  I had never been on a military installation before and was surprised at how it is it's own little city and I was very excited!  We moved in on Riley in July 2004 and I literally jumped in with both feet first. We had a couple of weeks of getting to know the area before he was sent out for training in the field. So there I was, brand new to the Army life, new mother, new home and I didn't know a single person!  I found out very quickly that sitting on my butt at home wasn't going to find me friends or teach me much about the Army.  I did find MANY online resources that I still use to this day (6 years later)!  I took all three levels of AFTB online (and went on to be an instructor!) classes and I joined a few Military sites for spouses. (Which I still belong to and LOVE to visit EVERYDAY!) I ended up going to a coffee at someones house (Kristi to be exact) within that first month of being at Riley and met many wonderful ladies (who I am still friends with).  I then went to Army Community Service (ACS) and made sure I was apart of everything they had to offer!  I wanted to learn as much as I could about being an Army wife, as fast as I could!  My friendships grew, my abilities as a mother and Army wife grew and I personally grew A LOT that first year as being an Army Wife!

We were very lucky that Shane was home for the whole first year of Paxton's life. He deployed in November 2005. So here I was, on my "own" with a 17 month old child.  I didn't know exactly how I was going to make it a full year being a single mom!  I knew it could be done though and I was going to do it but I had my doubts from time to time but I made it through with my own strength and the strength and support of those around me.  I had all my "sisters" with me at Riley and some also going through deployments.  We bonded together to help each other out anywhere we could. It is a true sisterhood that is formed with other Army wives. We were always there for each other no matter the circumstances!  These ladies were My FAMILY and we made it through the deployment with flying colors!  We made it through kids being sick, us being sick, kids going to school, ourselves going back to online college, Soldiers being hurt, you name it we did it and survived!

Shane got back home in October 2006.  He talked a lot about getting out of the Army throughout his deployment but he was missing us (as we were him) and when we were all back together he decided it was best to "stay in"!  He was able to reenlist for another 4 years with our choice of duty station.  It was either Hawaii or Germany and I told him since it was his career he got to choose.  He chose Hawaii!  WOOHOO we were going to live in Paradise!  I was excited and terrified all at once!

In June 2007 we moved to Hawaii.  When we arrived I was awe struck and couldn't believe I was really going to be living in a place like this. Of course, over the years the "awe" wore off some but I always said I loved living in Hawaii (and really miss it now that we're gone)!  Soon after we arrived though he was off for a few months to train again and then another deployment.  This time is was 15 months instead of 12.  Again, we did just what any other Army family does, we put on our big girl panties and boots and we just kept truckin along!

I went back to work while in Hawaii and even though I did (and still do feel) that I missed out on so much of Paxton's life I am forever grateful that I was given the opportunity to have the first 3 years of her life at home with her!  When Shane came home from deployment and said this was it, he knew that he was going to be put in for the Medical Board; I didn't know what to think.  I wasn't as terrified as I was when he talked about getting out the first deployment but I was still scared and very sad.  I literally LOVE everything about being an Army Wife!  I was able to come to terms with it (somewhat! LOL) and I knew I had to be proactive and find what was next in our lives.

I without a doubt found my calling in the workforce, I want to help Military Families!  I know it's broad but it's good enough for me!  I cannot pinpoint exactly what I really WANT to do to help Soldiers and their families but I just know that I want to help!  I feel that where I am right now is where I was meant to be, helping the Total Army Family get their voices heard (just wish the circumstances were different).  I don't know if this is where God will continue to keep me, but I know that I feel I have one of the most rewarding careers there can be!

Another thing the Army has given me is my Faith.  I walked away from the church a long time ago but through the Army I was able to find my way back. I do not know if we hadn't joined if I would have found my way back or not but what matters now is that I have. We had our marriage blessed in the Church and also Paxton baptized. While in Hawaii, Shane went through RCIA to become Catholic and we are just waiting to find a church here so we can finish that process.  I also became a CCD teacher! I NEVER pictured myself actually teaching from the bible but it was a WONDERFUL experience and I would love to do it again!

The Army has brought many people into my life that I will NEVER forget!  Some I will lose touch with but never forget.  My memories will always be there of what a wonderful experience this has been for me and my family. I have a mother, father, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, husband and daughter but there is NOTHING like the Family I have found in the Army!  HOOAH!